Overstimulation
Q: I have an issue where I really enjoy sex… like, too much. It feels so incredible it scrambles my brain—but premature ejaculation isn’t the issue. I can usually last quite a while, but I get so stimulated that the aforementioned brain scramble happens, and then I get overstimulated where I completely lose the mind-body connection, I can’t string together a single word, let alone a sentence, and the head of my penis starts to get super sensitive. It’s great but it’s… not conducive to a mutually-beneficial experience with a partner. What can I do?
A: I’m curious why you think this is not conducive to a mutually satisfying experience. You seem to be very much in the moment. It’s also normal to experience high sensitivity to the head of the penis. Furthermore, sexual arousal can involve substantial changes in attention, cognition, muscle tension and sensory processing. This could explain your muddled head space as your arousal becomes more intense. If this is truly bothering you, you need to be more in tuned to your body in order to recognize the point at which you become very sensitive and hence your brain “freezes.” You can train yourself to slow down (even stop for a few seconds and take a few deep breaths), maybe change positions, before you get to that point. You may also want to communicate this sensitivity and brain freeze to your partner and share why you need to slow down, etc.
Getting Over The Hump
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve never been able to orgasm from penetration, only from clitoral stimulation. The problem is that my clitoris is so, so sensitive. It’s fine when I’m doing my own thing, since I don’t have to use direct touch to orgasm. But with sexual partners, it’s awkward. Everyone gets gung ho about giving me an orgasm—but prolonged direct contact is incredibly overstimulating and makes it so sensitive that I cannot stand to be touched anywhere in that area. Is there any way to dial it down, or am I going to have to explain this to every sexual partner forever?
A: Welcome to the club that 85% of women belong to! Most women do not orgasm with intercourse alone and do require clitoral stimulation. What you describe in terms of high sensitivity, is also something many women experience, since, as arousal builds and orgasm approaches, the clitoris becomes more sensitive. Usually, after orgasm, sensitivity can become so much that if direct stimulation is continued, it could actually become really uncomfortable and even painful. It seems like you know what works for you (orgasm through indirect stimulation to the clitoris), which is great. Now you need to share this information with your sexual partners. For example, you may want to ask a partner to touch you on top of the clitoris (the hood) rather than the glans. You may feel more comfortable with a different type of touch such as applied pressure rather than a light touch for example. You can also show your partner with your own hands how you like to be touched. Also ask yourself if orgasm has to be the only goal. Some partners believe they have to absolutely make their partner come, which only makes the experience performative rather than connective. Just something to think about.